If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
You Might Also Like
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up