I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”