this independent good boy don’t need no human
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”