Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
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I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Eat…
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.