Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
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(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
as is their right
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.