Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
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When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.