You Might Also Like
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings