MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
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*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”