dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I triple waxed for this?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again