Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
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me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.