men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
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Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Me My dog
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Natural selection at its finest
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang