BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
cyclists
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.