#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
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the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
want me to check your oil?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
wow he looks just like him
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”