When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
You Might Also Like
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
i can’t wait that long
This will never not be funny to me.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Meow
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.