God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Yep.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her