For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
mariah carrie