*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Snapes on a plane.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.