FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
You Might Also Like
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon