Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
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Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Your honor these allegations are
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.