*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
In space, no one can hear…
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.