If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
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Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Namaste
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Salad is the decaf of food.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?