What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing