I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.