A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves