Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
You Might Also Like
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
When you’ve simply given up.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!