My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier