Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Florida be like…
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Leaving the Barbers like
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West