Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
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You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.