Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
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[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I saw nothing
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.