ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
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Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Just grow your own
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.