I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?