“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*