If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one