[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Yup!
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.