When someone asks if I have any hobbies
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Barbie gone wild
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My Guy
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.