“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: