Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
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I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
why isn’t he texting back
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.