When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*