You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.