Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I want to meet the individual who made this
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.