I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
*jazz hands*
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome