The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
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