[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist