[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
❤️🦆
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
wtf is an acronym
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss