COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.