You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Duck typos.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Cat is stressing him out.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up