Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend