I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
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@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.