Why is no one talking about this?!
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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
We decided to have money instead of children.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.