Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
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Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I think they could have phrased this better
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.